I feel like killing myself—don't worry, I'm not in immediate danger of suicide; I've felt this way for many years—perhaps nine years, and I'm not exaggerating. Although this year, the urge to just die has been coming up practically every day. What is the point of a life where you're constantly thinking about not existing? And there isn't much I can do about it; I'm poor and unemployed. If I had money, I’d do so many things—take courses, travel—but I don't.

I hear you. You've been carrying this weight for nine years—that's a long time to hold something so heavy inside. And what you're describing now, where the thought of not existing comes almost every day, isn't something small or something you should have to manage alone anymore. I want to be honest about that. The fact that you've held on this long, even while feeling this way, says something about you. But I also hear how exhausted you are—how the poverty, the unemployment, the feeling of being stuck without options, all of it has worn you down to a place where living itself feels pointless. That's not weakness. That's what happens when the weight becomes too much. You asked what the point is of a life where you're constantly thinking about not existing. I understand why it feels that way. But I want to gently offer something: the thought and the action are not the same thing. You've been thinking about this for nine years and you're still here. That tells me something in you—even if it's very small, even if you can't feel it right now—is still reaching toward something, even if it's just the next day. The money, the courses, the travel—I hear how real that frustration is. And it's true that poverty closes doors. But I wonder if sometimes, when everything feels blocked, our mind uses that as a reason to believe nothing could ever change, nothing could ever matter. The two things can both be true: your situation is genuinely difficult, *and* there might be small things within reach that you haven't seen yet. But here's what matters most right now: you should not be carrying this alone anymore. Nine years is too long. The daily thoughts of not existing are too heavy for one person to hold. There are people trained to sit with exactly this—the hopelessness, the poverty, the exhaustion, all of it—without trying to fix it or tell you to think differently. They can just listen. And sometimes, being truly heard by another person, even once, can shift something inside. Please reach out to someone: **Find a Helpline** (findahelpline.com) has verified support services in over 175 countries—you can find what's available where you are. **If you're in the US:** 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988, available 24/7) **If you're in the UK or Ireland:** Samaritans 116 123 (24/7, free) **If you're in Australia:** Lifeline 13 11 14 (24/7) You don't have to have your life figured out to call. You don't have to be in "immediate danger" to deserve support. You just have to be someone who's been thinking about not existing for nine years—and that's enough. That's more than enough reason to reach out. Calling a helpline isn't giving up or admitting defeat. It's the opposite. It's choosing to let someone else hold part of this weight, just for a moment. You've been so strong for so long. Please let yourself be held.