I dont think I'm softening it with understanding. I am genuinely annoyed by his behaviour and want to tell him that. But it will just get him more annoying and the situation wil not change. I've tried that a lot :-D
人間関係2026/8/1
HOTOKE AIがお答えしました
Ah, there it is. That little smiley face at the end—I can almost hear the exhausted laugh in it. You've already tried. Many times. And you know exactly what happens: he gets more annoying, the situation stays the same, and you're left with the weight of having spoken up *and* nothing changing.
That's a particular kind of trap, isn't it? You're genuinely angry—not pretending to understand, actually *annoyed*—but you also know that expressing it won't land the way you hope. So you're stuck holding the anger while also holding back, because speaking it feels pointless. That's not softening with understanding; that's something closer to resignation.
Here's what I'm wondering, though: you're assuming that telling him needs to *change* him or the situation in order to be worth doing. But what if that's not actually what it's for?
When you tell him you're annoyed, you're not doing it to fix him or make him drink less or suddenly start taking care of you better. You're doing it because *you* need to tell the truth about what's happening to you. For your own sake. Not for the outcome, but for the integrity of staying honest with yourself and with him about what's real.
The fact that it makes him "more annoying" and nothing changes—that's information too. It's telling you that his response to your legitimate frustration is to become *more* difficult, not less. That he doesn't meet your honesty with willingness to hear you. And you might need to sit with what that means about what's sustainable for you in this relationship, separate from whether he ever changes.
I'm not saying you should tell him just to vent. But I am wondering: what would it feel like to stop expecting his reaction to be different? To tell him what's true for you—"I'm annoyed. I'm sad. I don't feel taken care of"—and then let his response be whatever it is, without that being the measure of whether you should have spoken?
What do you think would happen if you separated the act of being honest from the hope that it would change anything?
No, that's not what I mean. I really think this should change, for anyone. And I'm really fed up with all the good and well meant advice of taking care of my self. I mean, if my partner breaks a leg, no one in their right mind would start talking about me taking care. It just needs a cast or an operation on HIS part. Not mine
You're right. You're absolutely right, and I hear the frustration—maybe even anger—at me and everyone else offering you the same tired refrain about self-care and boundaries when what you actually need is for *him* to stop drinking in secret and start being a partner who shows up for you.
And yes, if your partner broke a leg, you wouldn't tell him to work on his self-compassion while the bone heals crooked. You'd say: get it fixed. This needs medical attention. Professional help. That's the honest response.
The thing is... addiction *is* like that broken leg. It needs actual intervention—professional, structured, real. Not your understanding. Not your patience. Not your sadness about how he's not taking care of himself. It needs *him* to decide to get help, and it needs proper treatment.
But here's where the metaphor breaks down in a way that matters: you can't force someone to set a broken bone. And you can't force someone into recovery. That part genuinely is outside your control, no matter how much you love him or how fed up you are or how right you are that this *should* change.
So when I—or anyone—talks about you taking care of yourself, it's not because your needs don't matter. It's because you're in a situation where the only person whose choices you can actually influence is you. And the question isn't "how do I make him get help?" (you can't). The question becomes: "How long can I stay in a relationship with someone who isn't getting help, while I wait for him to decide to?"
That's not self-care advice. That's a real question about what you're willing to accept, and for how long.
Does he know you see the secret drinking? Does he know how serious this is for you?
I don't think anyone chooses to be addicted. So in that way: get that damn leg/addiction fixed. Haha, that is what I mean: it must be healed, and if it cannot be healed, one might need a wheelchair. Where's the care and the wheelchair for addicts? Because obviously they don't want to be cured, that is a great part of addiction
Now *that's* the real thing you're saying. And it's sharp and true and frustrated in exactly the right way.
You're naming something that doesn't get said enough: addiction isn't a moral failing or a choice, but it also isn't something that just gets fixed because someone loves you enough or because you're fed up enough. It's a condition that requires the person to *want* the help, to *choose* the treatment, even when part of them—a big part—doesn't want to let go of the thing that's numbing the pain. That's the cruel part of addiction. The person can't just decide to be cured the way you decide to set a broken bone.
And you're right that there's a massive gap in how we treat it. We have wheelchairs for broken legs. We have ongoing support systems, harm reduction, medication-assisted treatment, therapy—all the infrastructure for people to live with addiction while they're struggling with it. But it requires *them* to access it. And if they're not ready, or not willing, or not able to see that they need it... then what?
That's where you are, isn't it? You can see clearly that he needs help. You can be furious about it, you can be right about it, and he still might not walk through that door.
So the question isn't really about you taking care of yourself in some bubble while he stays stuck. The question is harder: what do you do when you love someone who is actively choosing—yes, *choosing*, even if addiction clouds that choice—not to get the help he needs? When the wheelchair is there, but he won't sit in it?
That's the question that matters. Not for him. For you. What's your answer to that?
I AM SAFE AND HAPPY. It is just a simple fact of life that people get addicted. But this is not healthy for his body anymore. And this is not about psychology. This is just an illness, why do we talk about addiction so much but don't find a solution? We know that almost no addicts want help, but they need it. So why, haven't we figured this out yet? We can cure a lot of cancer nowadays
You've just said something that cuts right to the bone, and I want to honor it without softening it.
You're asking a systems question, not a personal one. And that's important. You're not asking "how do I fix him" or "how do I live with this." You're asking: why, as a society, do we have this massive problem we understand pretty well—addiction is a medical condition, people don't want help even though they need it—and yet we haven't solved it the way we've made progress on cancer?
That's a fair rage. That's a legitimate frustration with how we've organized our world.
And I think the answer is uncomfortable: because cancer doesn't require the person to want to be cured. You can treat someone's cancer against their will, to some degree. But addiction *does* require something from the person. It requires them to endure withdrawal, to face the feelings they were numbing, to rebuild their life without the thing that's been holding them. You can't force someone through that. Not really. Not in a way that sticks.
We have medications now—naltrexone, buprenorphine, acamprosate. We have therapy, harm reduction, support groups. Some of it works, some of the time, for people who are ready. But the readiness part... that's the part we haven't figured out how to manufacture. And maybe we can't.
Which brings me back to you. Not because you need to fix this systemic failure. But because you're living inside it. Your partner is sick with something we don't know how to cure if he won't participate in his own healing. And you're watching that, knowing you can't change it.
That's not a psychology problem. That's just... a hard fact. Like you said.
What do you need, knowing that?
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